Warriorz
by Radio Interference
Summary: Now this is the story all about how my life got twisted upside down and I'd like to take a moment, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a clan called Bel-Air.


**Satire. Look it up.**

* * *

It was a sunny day in the Forest when all of a sudden a meteor fucking fell from the sky and murdered every single thing.  
Trillions of years pass, and civillization reigns.  
Meanwhile, in another forest, a bunch of cats lived the life.  
THE WARRIOR LIFE LOLOLOL

One day, Bramblenail, a conviently named, suspiciously familiar cat was chilling when another cat burst through the clearing of the clan. The clan's name was Poopclan. What? There's only so many things you can name a clan.

The cat, Dickbutt (there's only so many things you can name a cat), yowled out, "THERE ARE LONERS IN THE FOREST!"

One of the hard of hearing cats called out, "There are boners in the forest? We must elminate them at once!"

Meanwhile, the clan deputy, Iceriver, tried to keep his boner from errupting.

"No, no, no." Dickbutt said. "There are loners. L-O-N-E-R."

"Hahaha!" Said some kit. "His name is dickbutt!"

"Now hush," his mother told him. "We have very strict naming rules. The clan decides your name now, instead of the leader. Your name might be Shithead."

Realizing this, the kit began crying.

Meanwhile, the rest of the clan were hunting down the boners. One was found. The dick was ripped apart.

"Wait a second," Bramblenail said. "Weren't we looking for loners?"

"I think we should go back to the clan and regroup." Said a cat.

Everyone agreed with A Cat, so they went home. But Everyone, They, and A Cat got lost along the way. The rest of the cats went back anyway.

They were shocked to see the clan ravaged. Destroyed. Brutalized. Pulverized. Beaten. Dominated.

Every cat that stayed back was dead. Even some that went died too, but nobody noticed. Nobody then decided to give then a proper burial. Nobody went back to bury them.

"When did this happen?" Bramblenail demanded.

A half-dead cat crawled past. "The loners," it said, before gurgling, having a seizure, and spontaneously combusting.

"It happened at loners?" Cried out Handcock.

"Apparently," said Dickbutt. "Wait, no he meant the loners did it."

"Oh."

"Okay."

"I'd really prefer it if the author would start narrating again."

"Me too."

"Who's me?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"I see. We've been talking so long we lost count of who we are."

"Oh."

"So, seen anything good?"

"Not really. How's cloverfield?"

"Average."

Then Brambleriver got tired of this, and beat Dicknose to death.

That night, Bramblenail couldn't sleep. Why was Starclan doing this to them?  
That's because Starclan didn't really exist, but, that's not the point here.  
Then, the magic cat Bluestar flew down from the sky.

"omg!" Bramblenail said. "Bluestar, what are you doing here?"

"Well little one," the magical Starclan cat said. "Multiple reasons. One, you've been doing too many shrooms and now you see me. Two, I was actually looking for Firestar in Thunderclan... But I got sidetracked. Three, I came to tell you something."

"What?" Asked Bramblenail.

"Do not question the works of Starclan, lest you want a pimpslap beyotch. I'ma superman dat hoe, you hear? The reason for the deaths are in the prophecy, which will become clearer in time."

"What prophecy?" Inquired our heroic cat.

"A plot device in later time. Also, what did I say about questioning my works? Turn around, bitch."

Bluestar then proceeded to backhand Bramblenail. This is a pretty big feat considering a cat's normal mobility status, but whatever. Bramblenail cowered in fear.

Bluestar then whistled for a cab and when it came near the license place said "FRESH" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything, she could see that this cat was rare, but she thought "Naw forget it, yo holmes to Thunderclan"  
She pulled up to the house about seven or eight and she yelled to the cabbie "yo holmes smell ya later"! Looked at her kingdom, she was finally there, to sit on her throne as the prince of Thunderclan.

Meanwhile, Bramblenail decided to go to the newly elected medicine cat, Pizzaface. Now normally, most of the medicines these cats are using would constitute illegal and could be used to get high IRL, but Bramblenail (despite the previous night's pimpslap antics) continued to take his shrooms.

"Hi Pizzaface." He mewed, which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from meow.

"Hello, Bramblenail," greeted the medicine cat. "Have a vitamin."

Bramblenail ate the shroom.

"So, Pizzaface," Bramblenail began, ignoring that the sky was now raining down LAZURZ and the walls were getting smaller. "Last night I had a dream."

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY BITCH." The cat said. "Now, Bluestar came. And in between spooning and manhandling me, she told me of a horrible horrible plot device that would happen soon. Like in a prophecy and whatnot."

"K."

"So um, I came to you to advice."

"K." Pizzaface said. She looked at him. "Well, you have to go to the Big Shiny Rock to get starclan advice and propecies and shit. We could go there tomorrow if you want."

"K."

"K."

"K."

"K."

"What?"


End file.
